Friday, November 17, 2006

Meet The Queen

As noted by Mr. Cusack, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and her consort The Prince Phillip, The Duke of Edinburgh (pronounced Edinburra) will visit the Commonwealth of Virginia for the upcoming celebrations surrounding the quatercentenary of the first permanent English settlement in the New World.

I think this would be the perfect opportunity for you to ask her forgiveness and request re-entry into her Kingdom. Some pointers:

As an American you will want to dress in dirty cargo pants, ripped vest (t-shirt) sandals and backwards baseball hat over unkempt hair. Do not do this...Ask an Englishman for help and purchase a bespoke suit (with waistcoat) and shoes for the occasion. Bathe, shave and get a haircut, remove the jewellery form your face and ears, ensure all of your ridiculous tattoos are covered and do wear socks. Stand up straight and do not wear your usual half bottle of synthetic cologne. Her Majesty will appreciate the absence of odor.

Once you have gone through proper channels to arrange being presented to Her Majesty, and she deigns to acknowledge you:

You will greet the Queen as "your majesty" initially and "ma'am" thereafter

Do not extend your filthy hand toward Her Majesty for a handshake -If you are wearing gloves (being American you won't be, but just in case), remove them - One does not touch the Queen! Being an American, a Whig, a rebel and a probable fan of Lady Diana Spencer, if you were to reach towards the Queen, Her Majesty will assume you are trying to grope her and have you shot. If the Queen extends her hand (not bloody likely) you will shake very lightly and briefly...Do not mangle the Royal Knuckles...Light and Quick...

Do not speak unless spoken to...Keep your answers short and to the point...As an American you will want to tell her your life story and share your pathetic personal problems with her...Do not do this, if you do, she will assume you are deranged and have you shot.

Do not show the Queen your back, and leave the room only after the Queen does, unless of course you have made any of the mistakes above, then your lifeless body will no doubt leave the room before the Queen, which is acceptable.

One other point; technically if you are not a citizen of Great Britain you do not have to bow when greeting the Queen. But in this case, you should bow at the waist when presented, after all, you are hoping to be restored to her good graces...

There you are, do not muck this up.