Sunday, April 30, 2006

New Royal Proclomation...Just for you

After careful consultation with Her Majesty, the following are henceforth illegal in the United Kingdom and in her rebellious colonies in North America. Why? Because after careful consideration, we found that these things just annoy the hell out of us:

From here on these things are illegal and forbidden, answer to the contrary at your own peril:

Cell phones are illegal. No one may possess or, otherwise use one, period. Especially the ones worn over the ear as if the wearer was so important they must have a phone implanted in their ear in order to speak instantly on all those very important matters dependent on their input alone. Anyone who has answered a cell phone while in conversation with another person, will be retroactively shot.

No middle, or, upper middle class white woman is allowed to attempt to speak, or, use terminology reserved for black women (ditto: white male, reserved black male language) You are racially unable to do this, you sound foolish. This is to be blamed on Ophah Winfrey, she can do it, you can't. If any white women says "you go, girl", in any context, she will be executed on the spot. And, by the way, any male who addresses anyone, especially me, as "dude" will be shot, hanged, and drawn and quartered.

Email is forbidden. No one will send, or, receive email. If you have sent emails in the past which eschew all accepted forms of punctuation, grammar, and syntax, you will be sent to a penal colony for one year. If you have sent email using letter/number combinations to replace words, you will be shot.

Any person, male, or, female over the age of 30, who refuses to speak, dress and act like an adult, or, otherwise grow up will be jailed. This includes all those parents who are obviously wearing their teenage children's clothes. While we're on the topic, teenagers are illegal too. At age 13, all children will be looked after by the US and Royal Marines respectively. If they are still living, they will be released upon their 21st birthday.

Television is illegal. All television sets are to be surrendered to Her Majesty's government. Those who fail to comply will be sent to live in Hollywood. Anyone who has, in the past, watched any "reality television" programme, will be sent to special treatment, and then shot.

Any person wearing clothing bearing a manufacturer's logo, and who is not being paid to do so, will be shot for being stupid enough to pay companies to advertise for them.

Any male caught wearing a wig, or, employing any "comb over" technique in an attempt to hide baldness, will have their heads shaved. If said male is already bald on top, but wearing their remaining fringe in a ponytail, these men will be shot. Accept it like a man and get used to it. If said male is caught wearing clogs, he will be shot.

Dogs are illegal. Cats are legal. This does not reflect upon the hapless canines, only upon the behavior of their owners. No one, other than you, finds your 12 stone slobbering animal, living with you in your 2 room flat, "cute". Nor do we find large muddy paw prints placed upon our $300.00 shirt fronts "funny". Get a cat, unless you prefer only blind subservience in your roommates. It is illegal to have a pet which must look at it's food dish, then at you, and decide.

That is all we can think of for right now. Please inform me of other annoying things and we will outlaw them as well. Thank you.