Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Guide To Workplace Etiquette

Take a look inside:

Dress Code
There is only one rule for dressing at work or anywhere else; wear your best clothes always.

If in doing so you eclipse the President of your company and show him or her to be the vagrant and charlatan that he or she surely is, then so be it.

You may be summarily dismissed, but you will walk out with your head held high and with right on your side.

Avoiding doing work while at work
This is an odd one. What the devil would a chap be doing in the place other than avoiding work? For gawd's sake. He only took the damn thing because he was getting it in the neck from his tailor and the Trouble. He fully expects to be fired the moment they realise how woefully under-qualified he is. He has no intention whatsoever of learning to play golf with the chairman or making merry with the sales director. If he's not out with a month then he'll have to resort to plan B and burn the place down. Work? While at work? Ridiculous.

Hierarchy and how to subvert it
Always dress better than your boss. Let it be known, by occasional reference to your tailor, that you are entirely bespoke. We are often told that the best way to maintain one's nerve in front of an audience is to imagine them naked. There are few things more humorous than watching a man try to maintain his dignity while dressing you down for some petty transgression in an off-the-peg suit and bad shoes.

Behaviour in the Lavatories
Make no noise whatsoever.

If spoken to, reply with a monosyllable and leave immediately. Always wash your hands no matter what. If you take newspaper in with you, which is perfectly acceptable, then take it out with you. Don't leave it there.

Now one might assume that these rules could be applied no matter which side of the Atlantic a chap finds himself working on. Particularly in a country genetically incapable of saying the word toilet, choosing instead words like bathroom, washroom and even lounge.

Alas this would be to accord undue credit to our American cousins.

For a start they seem to think that a flimsy wooden panel from mid-thigh to head-height, with wide gaps either side of the door, is sufficient to allow a chap privacy for his ablutions.
It is not. And if compromising his own privacy weren't enough think of what other users must endure. Intolerable.
And should you find yourself staring peacefully at the porcelain, don't expect to be left to your thoughts. Rather expect a slap on the back from a 'buddy' or a word about work from your boss. Ye Gods! You might even hear a comment chipped in from the occupant of one of the stalls.

The only solution is to eschew the workplace lavatory altogether. Needing little incentive to go out for fresh air go and find a luxury hotel nearby. Each day pop in and tell them you would like to look at a room for the imminent visit of your maiden aunt. Then make full and free use of the hotel loo. Perhaps having a quick shower and a lie down afterwards.

Advertising gak-heads or members of SH who like to travel up the Northern Line can take this opportunity to indulge.
As an added bonus inter-employee frottage is perfectly possible. Better that than delicately turned stilletoed heels poking out either side of the office toilet stall for all to see.