Thursday, February 15, 2007


I found myself smiling as I read Mr. Joke's post on the different "archetypes" of moms he has been cataloging during his stint as a SAHD. This is of interest to me as I too am a SAHD, although unlike Mr. Joke who seems to be a part-timer, I am a full-time professional SAHD. There are a few reasons for this, not least of which is that my wife, The Countess, realized early on that due to my breeding, classical education and general lack of intelligence, that I was totally unfit to actually earn a living in the 20/21st century. She also realized that this same lack of gray matter made me a dangerous proposition to leave around the house unsupervised or, heaven forbid, responsible for a child's well-being...So, with her characteristic hyper-intelligence she built a library, stocked it to the ceiling with Waugh, Wodehouse and Saki, placed a computer connected to a cable modem on the desk and told me not to come out until she called. So, here I am.

Well, now that my son, The Baron, is older and not likely to be led into mischief or danger by his old pater, I am allowed to drop-off and pick-up and the like when The Countess deems it necessary. So it has been in the last year or so (The Baron is now 30) (just kidding) that I have had an opportunity to observe and catalog some of these females that hang about the place at The Baron's parochial school. Now The Countess has let it be known that she would prefer that I do not actually speak to anyone she knows while I am there, but sometimes people will speak to me first, so I feel one must be at least, civil.

Now, as you know, due to parentage and what-not I have the ability to speak with an American or an English accent. The English accent always helps me to break the ice when I am out numbered 1000 to 1 and they all fear The Countess (for good reason, I fear her too). So, when I am at the school, I plum up the English accent and sometimes chat with the mob. It is funny though, when they hear the English accent, coupled to my bespoke wardrobe, they either think that I am a servant of The Countess (which I suppose I am), or try to recruit me as the football (soccer) coach, sometimes both. Oh, what fun...Now this brings me, in a roundabout way, to Mr. Joke's archetypes...They are all at my school as well, and I must say that Mr. Joke's powers of observation are spot on. Here is his list:

"...About half the moms (new or established) simply cannot manage to stick to my memory banks. Many are yet another example of an archetype, many are just dull--regardless of archetype.

Anyway, in addition to the regulars, this year we have the following:

1- Love Is Blind Mom. She is what everyone's definition of a trophy wife ought be. Tall, blonde, dazzling features, and is in amazing shape. All the moms would hate her except her husband, poor bastid, looks like Danny de Vito caught in a permanent pre-sneeze and has Einstein hair. Sadly, the kids took dad's DNA.
2- Kung Fu Mom. Tiny-short, dirty-blonde hair in a pixie cut. Not terribly pretty, but has maximized what she has to work with. Permanent smile. Usually arrives at pickup wearing loose cotton slacks and one of several XYZ Martial Arts center t-shirts. She is TOO fit, and likely can kick anyone's ass. All the other moms like her, or maybe they are too afraid to say otherwise.
3- Chatterbox Mom. Talks to TWO different people at the same time (different conversations) and also usually has a cellphone attached.
4- Bus Mom. Has a van-van, not a minivan which is, apparently, for pansies. 5 kids. A bit chubby, shortish. Talks with her hands a lot, but in a coreographed way, not at all flail-ish. Has a bit of a nervous laugh. All the kids are chubby too, but they don't laugh. Does a lot of crosswords. 5- Bitter mom. Just moved in. Bad, recent divorce. Lots (I mean LOTS) of self-help books. I try to hide my Y chromosome, because one day she's going to go postal.
6- Gardening mom. BIG straw hat. HUGE tote bag. Sometimes dirt on knees. Tailgate of minivan is often open with flats of some plants the name of which escape me, or would escape me if I could be bothered to try to learn their names..."

I just love it...But I think I have one to add...At least here in my area this seems to be the most prevalent mom archetype:

The Pixie Mom: This mom is noted for being the same size and weight as a typical 8 year old girl. If wearing a plaid skirt, impossible to tell the difference. Usually the mother of three or more children, all who are bigger than her by the time they reach the 5th grade. Usually very pretty or cute with short hair in bob cut, wearing children's clothing and shoes. Usually drives a large vehicle, Hummers are the norm. Husbands always seem to be 6ft. 4in and above, usually overweight and somewhat slovenly, poorly dressed in off-the-rack fashion rubbish, with six electronic gadgets clipped to his belt, but rich, which always improves a man's looks. Usually polite, especially when they want you to coach football, but quite aware that they rule the world of women (except for The Countess and her female relatives, they stand no chance against that crew) by virtue of their smallness, the very tiny woman being the most desirable to most men.

I would, then, add the Pixie Mom to the list...Mr. Joke, do you have Pixie Moms at your school?