Star Trek: To seek out new girls and libations...

Make no mistake—Captain Kirk and his crew were cowboys and they treated the universe like the Wild West. There was always a lot of solemn talk about the Prime Directive and not interfering with native cultures, but that went right out the window the moment Kirk laid eyes on the first attractive female of whatever species they came across. Sure, they solved a lot of problems, but half the time they were solving problems they created. The crew of the original Enterprise wasn’t trying to unite the universe, they weren’t trying to right the universe’s many and sundry wrongs—they were looking for kicks......

Top Ten Signs Your Starship Captain is a Drunkard

10.) When Spock mind probes him, Spock gets hammered.

9.) Wakes up next to a Klingon chick at least once a week.

8.) Starts the ship’s self-destruct sequence just to f*** with the yeoman who blew him off in the officer’s lounge.

7.) Each time you discover a new planet he tells Spock to scan the surface for cheap scotch and loose females.

6.) The first thing he says when negotiating with Romulans is, “So, what’s the ale situation?”

5.) McCoy tells him, “I’m a doctor, Jim, not a bartender!”

4.) He keeps slipping down to the engineering room to “discuss ancient Scottish traditions” with Scotty.

3.) Giggles every time Spock says they should launch a “deep space probe.”

2.) Whenever a female yeoman brings him a clipboard he tries to open a tab.

1.) Is willing to make beer runs into the neutral zone.