Basil Seal's Christmas Letter Answer...
Let me, in the spirit of the season, get a few things straight...Who the hell are you and why are you sending me this ridiculous drivel?
Now, it seems to me that if I were actually interested in you and your extended family of mutants, I would have, more than likely, been in contact with you sometime during the last 364 days. Don't you think? Seeing that I have been incommunicado, as it were, one might think that I was avoiding one...Well, I was and am quite putt out that you found me.
You must understand that no one, and let me repeat, no one is interested in your bragging disguised as holiday cheer. You and I both know that you and your pathetic family are complete losers and the 'letter' is a pack of proverbial lies. And even, on the off chance, that there is some semblance of truth in it, NO ONE GIVES A RAT'S ARSE!!!!! Now do you understand?
Why in the world you think I would be interested in your 6 year old son's Nobel Prize is beyond me. And your teenage daughters matriculation to Harvard? Oh, gosh, I'm all ears, don't you know...By the way, isn't that the same daughter whose Senior photo was placed in the yearbook horizontally? I wonder why? I sure hope your breast augmentation works out...I'm just happy that you are not a bunch of shallow, materialistic, crass, tasteless jerks...That would really bother me. Oh, by the way, did you note the watermark on this paper? Sweet, huh?
You are of course, what's wrong with the world. Christmas is the time for giving, but all you are giving me is a headache. I want you to please take your new house, new car, new diamonds, new high paying jobs, new shoes and new breasts and move farther away. You are depressing everyone with your lack of breeding and your insistence on acting like an American during the most important time of the year. We are in the midst of a celebration of the birth of Jesus, and believe me when I tell you, he hates this kind of thing as much as I do. And if you haven't realized it by now, we do not care about you or your family of crass nincompoops. We realize that if they are related to someone who sends Christmas letters, they're a hopeless case anyway.
You are tasteless vulgarians, and I demand that you never write to me again. Better yet, I demand that you never write to anyone within the same postal code as me. Well, have a very Merry Christmas, and I do hope to never hear from you again.
Sir Basil Seal
PS Card says hello...